“The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him.”
-Lamentations 3:25 (ESV)
In my last post, I spoke briefly on the need for young leaders in the church, and more importantly for there to be more mentorship for these young leaders. However, if I am being honest, there is some personal bias in my thought for that need as I had felt cheated out of plenty of church leadership opportunities for quite some time…and now it appears that I’m in a conflicted position – I am no longer hearing a call towards anything in the church.
At one point in my life, I felt that God was leading me towards worship ministry. I found out in high school that I had a decent singing ability, and began participating in my church’s worship team soon after. The reason I felt the calling to this ministry specifically was due to how incredibly connected I felt to Him as I worshiped, whether I was singing with the team or not. As I continued to work with the worship team, I decided to make my desire to become a worship leader known and ask if I could lead one Sunday in the future. That was when the excuses began.
“You’re not quite ready yet…”
“You need to read your Bible more first”
I get it. I was young and still needed to grow more, and yet I felt stuck. I think the worship leaders saw this, and they eventually began a worship leader training program. It was wonderful and it did allow me the opportunity to try leading a few times. Unfortunately, it did not last due to some changes my home church decided to make. It seemed to be poor timing.
I went on to study music in college at a Christian university, and eventually switched to a different major as I felt like I was not getting the right kind of training I really needed. However, I managed to get involved with a campus group that sent out teams of worship bands to churches who needed them, and that was a wonderful experience. My desire was continually renewed with each church I went to, and yet it appeared my desire was only allowed so far.
When going to college, there is a good opportunity to visit other churches in general. I visited a few but nothing truly stuck. My heart felt like it belonged back at my home church and yet every time I went back, I was told to try more churches by many members of the congregation. I felt like I was being shut out. On top of this, my college had a chapel service that would allow those interested to help lead these chapel services. I was only invited once, and with each passing year, the chapel service became more performance-like; a worship setting that I did not have a desire to be a part of.
After college, I attempted to work with the new worship leader at my home church so that I could have some mentorship and maybe learn a few things, and it yet it did not feel right; it felt as though it was an obligation to him. I do not think that was his intent and I do not blame him for it. I did attempt to apply for a few worship leader positions in other churches, and of the ones that got back with me, I was turned down.
So here I am. Defeated. In fact, I feel no call to anything.
I have no clue what God wants of me. I keep trying and trying, only to get pushed back down. I had no solid mentor. I had to push on my own and yet it feels like I’m right back at the beginning. I’m at a point where I don’t feel much connection now, and I’m constantly asking myself:
Am I meant for something else?
Why am I not feeling this calling anymore?
Am I losing my faith?
Some would say that it sounds like I’m losing my faith. Some would say that it’s God preparing me for something greater. However, I would argue that I am in a place of waiting. Despite the fact that I no longer hear the call to lead worship, I don’t hear a call elsewhere at this time either. In fact, I believe I was put in this predicament because God is telling me to wait. I don’t know what for, but I have chosen to accept it. It wouldn’t be the first time God has made people wait.
Noah and his family were on a boat for 40 days and nights. Moses and the Israelites walked in the desert for 40 years. Jacob had to work for 14 years to be with Rachel. I could go on. Until I hear something, I will simply continue to work on my faith.
“But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me.”
-Micah 7:7 (NIV)